Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
