she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
