Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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