After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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