do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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