I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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