omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
