Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize