Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize