I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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