We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
