WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
