FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
