I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
