My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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