you told grandpa to call you daddy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
