I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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