I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Randomize
