I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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