Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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