don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
