I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
