Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
