Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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