we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
