Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This baby is an asshole
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
