Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
false alarm, still single
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
