i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
