ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
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A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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