Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
