Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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