sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
