First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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