My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish my penis had a tongue
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
