It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
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Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
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My day in three words: secret purse cake
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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