he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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