we're chasing vodka with high fives
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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