remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
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his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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