You're completely useless in the revolution.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.