Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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