went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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