I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
