Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
