In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
