o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
