i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
