I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
