did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
