I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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