Betty ford says i'm here all night
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
