i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
