I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
