My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
