I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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