Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
