hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
