What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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