i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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