you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
